Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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