And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
