Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
