Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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