I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
