He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i drank out of a bidet.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
