I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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