Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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