Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
