i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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