I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities