Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
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She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
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so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?