The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
