she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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