How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
