i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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