someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
