Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
