he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
