Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
