Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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