I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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