hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Randomize
