Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
