just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
