Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Small penises have feelings too.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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