You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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