I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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