theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
