I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
