Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
