Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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