Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
