im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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