I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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