He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
