were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
