I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
