Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
