If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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