Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
