he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
