I think I won the penis lottery.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
