Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
