I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Dicks are not precious.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
