I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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