i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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