I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
