I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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