Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
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Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
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Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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