DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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