i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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