I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
