look no pants
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
