I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
