sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
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Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
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I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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