i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She needs sedatives and a leash
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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