I like my sex mixed with concussions.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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