We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
