How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I wish you could order shots online.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
