foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
