Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
